The Ups and Downs of Naruto Fanfiction
by Kaito The Shadow Wrya
Summary: The good, the bad, and the 'what-the-hecks' of Naruto fanfiction all in one.
1. Why cats? Why not Rabbits?

**A/N: So I have decided to write this little guide-diary-complainy thing, as it sounds amazingly fun to write, and I want to so there, I win. Enjoy.  
**

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So to kick off the first chapter of 'The Ups and Downs of Naruto Fanfiction', or TUDNF, I want to talk about something I've seen a lot of lately.

Akatsuki catfics

I mean,

why cat's?

Why not hamsters or sheep?

Or rabbits?

Rabbits are evil, so they totally fit the bill, right?

And how do they turn into cat's?

Usually its some deus ex machina jutsu that magically teleports them to our doorstep as cats, in a box. And magically its at some eccentric 16 year old female Akatsuki lover fangirl's door who lives alone, or who had her parents murdered or yada yada.

And for some reason she always has either a weird hair color, or weird eyes. And she usually has two to five friends who fall into stereotypes, for example:

_The calm, stoic, intelligent girl with a tear-jerking past, usually has dark hair and eccentric eyes. Almost always loves Itachi._

_The loud, tough girl who swears and argues a lot. Doesn't take shit from nobody, and usually has red hair or brown. Either paired with Hidan or Deidara (Mostly Hidan)._

_The silent, creative, level headed girl. Usually paired with Sasori, Kakuzu, or Itachi._

_The goofy, clever, hyper girl. Usually blonde with doe-like eyes. Paired with all of them, even Zetsu._

_The kind, caring, and naive girl who is always nice to everyone. Usually has doe-like eyes and is beautiful, and graceful (or clumsily cute), paired with characters that fangirls view as good such as Deidara or Itachi._

Why can't the girl be a boy? Why not a married adult, with children or something? Or someone who is realistically not buying ten weird looking cats.

I mean, I know for sure I wouldn't go to the pet store, see ten cats that look either abused or dyed a different color, and go like 'hey, y'know what, I'm going to ignore all common sense and buy them all, even though I'm 16 and have no job!', no bitch, I'd be like 'what is with that one's face? Maybe I'll get a pet another time'.

No bitch.

No.

Bad bitch.

Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done, and don't come back.

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**~Kaito**


	2. High School Drama

**A/N: Such positive feedback. Really brightens my day, y'know? Anyway, todays topic was suggested to me by a reader named 23lalagirlable. Thanks for the suggestion, my lovely little minion :)  
**

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So...

I see a lot of these fanfictions.

A. lot.

Not like, twice a day every day a lot.

More like half of fanfiction is full of these a lot.

Even in other fandoms.

*shivers*

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...

My rant/discussion on generic High School fanfic's!

Yaaayyy... *blows on noise maker*

Um..

Anyway..

Naruto High school fics always have the Same. Damn. Plot.

Every time.

I think an example will suffice.

* * *

_Sakura is transferring from Suna Academy to Konoha High, hoping to finish her studies and graduate with high marks, but when she meets bad-boy heartthrob Uchiha Sasuke, she gets something she had never asked for... love.  
_

* * *

It is the same annoying love story every damn time, where Ino is the partying whore, Hinata is the nerdy shy girl, the Akatsuki is a gang, and so is Team Taka, which are rivals btw cuz whats a highschool story without rivals amirite?

Oh and how can I forget Sakura, the generic heroine girl who always gets on either gangs bad side and eventually falls in love with one of the gang members where they then presume to shag in the teachers lounge in a lengthy, smutty, grotesque sex scene.

Why can't Karin be a nice, popular girl instead of a stuck up snob? Why can't the Akatsuki _not _be a gang that only want's to get in Sakura's pants? Why can't the rookie 9 just _not _associate with the stupid new girls?

AND WHY THE HELL CAN'T TON TON BE THE SCHOOL MASCOT GOD DAMN IT?!

...

...

...

*cough* *cough*

Anyway...

Why is Sakura always a skank?

I mean, one week she's fucking Sasuke.

The next week she's fucking Neji.

And then we find out she's been fucking Kisame this whole time.

Why does everyone want to write Sakura off as some dumb whore?

That's not just stupid.

That's OOC.

Really.

Knock it off.

* * *

**~Kaito**


	3. Something Good and Uchiha-cest

So, I've already covered like, what, two over-used plots?

If those count as 'downs'...

Then I guess its time for me to cover an 'up'.

Something that I love seeing in Naruto fanfiction are long chapters.

Not super long chapters of course, maybe about 2000 to 5000 words per chapter.

It's always satisfying to read a nicely sized, eventful chapter.

Like eating a tasty sandwich after a long ass day of work.

Mmm...

Delicious.

* * *

Well I've covered an up, now I can get back to complaining!

Fuck yes!

ahem.

*Drum roll*

Uchiha-cest.

The.

Fuck.

Is.

This.

While I understand the -ahem- _appeal _of reading a smutty sex scene between Sasuke and Itachi...

I also don't know why this needs to exist.

Sasuke and Itachi don't have sexual tension. That's called hatred, m'dears.

And you can say that Sasuke and Itachi lurv each other, blah blah, It's brotherly.

Even if all evidence points to them being gay.

I mean.

Nail polish.

Really.

And eyeliner, Sasuke?

Do I even need to comment...

I think I shouldn't

So I won't.

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**A/N: Thanks for the reviews, favs, and follows.**


	4. Suckara' and 'Sas-gay'

**A/N: All of the positive feedback is making me squeal with glee. Especially the suggestions, I'll make sure I get around to all of them guys. I'd also lie to give Xsd a shout out for today's suggestion. Enjoy!**

* * *

*Sips coffee whilst adjusting tie* Good evening everyone, I would like to address a serious issue in the Naruto community that I think everyone should know about.

Character-bashing.

I mean.

Really.

Bashing a _**FICTIONAL** _character is complete and utter bullshit.

You wanna know why?

You sure?

Absolutely sure?

Completely sure?

Ok then.

**THEY ARE FUCKING CHARACTERS FROM A GOD DAMNED MANGA.**

I don't think I can stress this enough.

They.

Aren't

REAL.

Oh you don't like that character? That's fine, that's alright. Everyone has a character they dislike.

But bashing them in your fic (or a roleplay) to the point of being OOC?

Pfft.

Bitch please.

Sakura gets this the worst, although Sasuke is a close second.

Everyone thinks Sakura is a dumb prissy weak shallow bimbo, who only loves people for their looks and sleeps around.

I mean.

Guys

Really.

Oooh, and Sasuke get's it pretty bad too.

Everyone makes him to be some feminine wangsty icicle.

I won't deny he's wangsty.

I won't deny hes an icicle at times.

I won't even deny he's feminine looking.

But no way in hell is he some stuck-up preteen 'too-good-for-everyone-else' fuckwit.

He is an _Uchiha. _

He's fucking stoic and keeps to himself.

Even if he's batshit insane.

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**A/N: Thank's for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!**


	5. gonna joen teh akashuki 1!

'Sup my little bitches!

It's been a while but.

y'know.

I'm back now.

To celebrate the fact that I hadn't died via explosive diarrhea,

I'll leave a question in the AN for everyone to answer in a review.

That'll be fun.

Yes.

Fun.

...

Let's start complaining.

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A good-guy character in the Akatsuki.

Like Naruto or Sakura.

Even if Naruto wanted to, he couldn't join the Akatsuki.

Mainly because he's a fucking jinchuriki and oh you know...

The akastuki's fucking trying to kill him.

Why.

Why the fuck.

Don't even get me started on Sakura.

Sakura wouldn't have the balls to do shit like that.

And she wouldn't leave the village and join the Akatsuki because people call her weak and be mean to her.

It doesn't fucking work that way.

And don't do Sakura X All of the fucking Akatsuki.

That shit ain't cute.

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**A/N: Short but oh well.**

**Question: If you somehow were unfortunately in the Akatsuki, what would the kanji on your ring mean?**


	6. My name is Mary sue and you love me

I think its time.

Finally it is time!

TIME FO' WHAT YOU SAY?

TIME TO COMPLAIN ABOUT...

MARY SUUUUUUEEES! *fireworks*

*cough*

...

Yeah.

Moving on.

We all hate Mary sue's.

So, I bet your not wondering...

The fuck is a Mary sue?

Well, a Mary sue is different to each person, but to me she's an entity who can bend and twist the plot until it is completely unrecognizable, making all of the characters her bitch in the process.

God I hate this skank.

I really do.

And it pains me to see obvious sues getting praised while the good, developed characters get called a sue for having one good fucking quality. I could make a character op as fuck and she wouldn't be a sue as long as the plot and the characters were like they should be.

I saw a fanfiction once, and I don't know the name of it, but it was for Naruto, and it was about Kakashi's 13 year old sister (who would have to be older due to Kakashi's fathers suicide) who was on his team and was a damn jinchuriki.

Obviously she was destined to be Sasuke's lover, as well as Naruto's sympathy friend. The sentence structure and grammar were atrocious and guess what?

Guess the fuck what?

She knew shit she shouldn't.

Unless that bitch is a self insert, then please, for the sake of our sanity, make her ignorant to the shit she shouldn't know.

This includes the fucking massacre.

_Nobody_ knows jack shit about the truth of it, save for a few, and I highly doubt your sue listened in on a meeting between Sarutobi and the council when she was fucking seven.

I also don't believe that she was 'there' when the massacre happened and Itachi 'let her go' because he fucking wanted to.

I do not think I can stress this enough.

Itachi.

Doesn't.

Love.

You.

He fucking doesn't.

He loves Sasuke and the village, that's it. Nobody else. Just because he cares about them doesn't mean he will care about your shitty OC.

Even if he 'lurvs' her.

...

...

...

I think I'm done for the night.

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**A/N: Hope you enjoyed my rant, because I sure as hell did.**


	7. YOU'RE A HOMOPHOBE LOLOL!

I'm doing this chapter on something that can be good or bad depending on who is writing it, but because I want to rant this chapter, I will focus on the bad.

Yaoi.

Mother

Fucking

Yaoi.

Basically the gay porn of fanfiction.

And don't lie to me and say

"It's not gay porn! Its about a gay relationship between two characters!"

Oh hun.

It's porn.

Why am I complaining about the bad yaoi?

Because it's FUCKING EVERYWHERE.

It is.

Like.

Holy shit.

Yaoi over here, yaoi over there, yaoi everywhere.

yaoiyaoiyaoi.

...

*cough* Um..

So.

Yaoi is basically gay porn between two usually non-gay characters, like Naruto and Sasuke, or Itachi and Deidara.

It's also as common as house flies.

Except, if you hit yaoi with a fly swatter, you don't kill it. You get called a homophobe.

Ha.

Haha.

No.

I don't like your shittly written gay porn? Oh I'm a fucking homophobe. Wah wah.

Dumb bitch.

The thing is, though, that yaoi is usually about two non gay characters.

Naruto and Sasuke aren't gay.

Although I understand this pairing because Naruto keeps following Sasuke and they kissed and shit.

Whatever.

Itachi and Deidara though...

What the fuck, man.

Deidara looks pretty feminine, but Itachi does too.

So at least make them lesbians.

For my sanity's sake.

* * *

**A/N: Another question! Yay!**

**What Naruto episode do you hate the most?**


	8. The OOCness is driving me insane!

What's up bitches?

Been waaayy too long since I've had a good rant.

But, as you know

We have to list some 'good things' as well, so I will do that before I start ranting like a crazy motherfucker.

This doesn't apply for everyone, but I love Naruto fanfics that are written in first person.

More than third person.

Fuck second person.

First person is where its at.

I mean.

Its number one for a reason guys.

That shits amazing.

* * *

Time for a nice, pissy rant to ruin the fangirling of the beginning of the 'chapter'.

OOC-ness.

Now, keeping a character perfectly in character takes a fuck load of practice.

Hell, I can't write a character fully in-character.

But son of a fucking bitch.

I seriously doubt Itachi would cry like a pussy when he breaks a nail, or Deidara would prance around with 'neko' ears acting all 'kawaiidesu'.

Itachi wouldn't give a flying fuck, and Deidara would probably rather die a boring un-fantastically dull death.

If your going to write a character, at least do some remote research on their personalities/attitudes.

Also.

Jiraya is **NOT** a pedophile.

Pervert, yes.

Pedophile, hell no.

Keep your sick NarutoXJiraya fantasies to your self.

One last note.

Konan is not 'motherly' or 'kind'. She would never take your shitty OC into the Akatsuki just because she wanted 'another girl around'.

She also wouldn't lash out randomly at the other members.

Aaaand,

She isn't AT ALL bothered by Hidan's swearing.

Ho-lee-fucking-shit.

She isn't a strict soccer mom bitch.

She's just Konan.

Just.

Konan.

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**Another question at the end! If you had to kill one of the Konoha 12, which one would you kill?**


	9. To Insert one Self into Naruto

Heeeyyy

Hey.

Yoo hoo.

I'm back.

Surprised? Probably not. Oh well.

Happy New Year.

*blows noise maker*

To kick off the beginning of 2014, I have decided to rant some more.

"What will you rant about?" You ask?

Self.

Inserts.

I love them to bits- when they have some fucking _thought _put into them.

If you're going to write a self insert, rule number fucking one.

Be a little original.

I know the very nature of a self insert circles around cliche-ness, but your character and their development itself needs to have some twists and turns.

Like, for example, if you're going to make a Nara OC, like Shikako from Dreaming of Sunshine, do not give them the same name, personality, or so forth.

Give them some flare.

Second motherfucking rule (well its more of a request)

THEY DO NOT HAVE TO BE FEMALES! I have seen some amazing SI's that are of both genders, but the majority of SI fics have a female OC. Men are just as cool damnit.

Last rule I have.

I promise.

...

...For the love of god, don't have them be sues.

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**Short I know, but I hadn't much to rant about here. I probably missed something. Oh well.**

**Q: If you could create a Dojutsu, what would it be like?**


End file.
